Today I decided to have some fun. I will be writing “A Hockey Story” which is a parody of “A Christmas Carol”. Yes I know it’s July but in July I have a time where I get holiday festive which I call “Christmas in July”.
Twas the day before the NHL regular season and in the town of Hockeyville, the town was abuzz. With a long offseason ending, the Crosbys and Ovechkins as well as the McDavids and Kanes were returning to the ice. Everyone was happy. Except for one man. His name was Gary Bettman. Gary was the commissioner of the NHL and he hated opening night. He was a big proponent of lockouts as he liked to give advantages to the owners in exchange for more cash.
Gary stormed into his office unhappily and was met by his secretary a man named Jim Bo. “Sir I am so excited for tomorrow. I can’t wait for my Senators to return” Jim squealed happily. Jim was new to the job so he didn’t know how much Gary hated opening night. Gary shot him a furious glare “It has been five years since the last lockout. Five years! That’s ridiculous! In order to get the players in line we need to have a lockout” said Gary. Jim thought Gary was being ridiculous. “You need to see a psychologist” said Jim. However Gary didn’t hear him as Gary stormed into his office.
Gary walked to his desk and he saw what he loved most. He saw bundles and bundles of cash on his desk. Gary went right up to it and peeled a $100 dollar bill from the top. “Hi my name is Gary” Gary told the Ben Franklin portrait affectionately. He started kissing the bill when he was interrupted by a sound. “GARY” an eerie voice that was familiar filled the room. “Hello”? Gary yelled. All of a sudden, a figure appeared at his desk. It was Clarence Campbell, a former president of the NHL. “Clarence what are you doing here”? Gary asked. Clarence wasn’t his usual form. Instead of wearing a suit, he was wearing a prison outfit. He also looked like a spirit which made sense considering he was dead. “I have come to warn you about the future” Clarence said. “What are you talking about”? Gary asked. “The NHL is dying. It cannot withstand another lockout. Tonight the ghosts of Hockey Past, Present and Future will visit you. Listen to them and the game will be saved” Clarence commanded omniously. “So what I will still have my cash” Gary said but Clarence had vanished.
At home, Gary put on his fancy pajamas and went into a fancy bed. As he dreamed of cash and such the clock struck midnight and Gary was awoken by a strange voice. The voice was none other than Frank Calder, the founder of the NHL. “I am the ghost of hockey past” said Frank. “This has got to be a dream” Gary said. Frank slapped Gary across the face and Gary said “Ow you son of a <expletive> why did you do that”? “”To prove you weren’t dreaming. Suddenly, Gary and Frank began flying. They landed in New York City. “What are we doing here”? Gary asked. Suddenly Gary appeared in a familiar apartment building. It was his old apartment. Gary was curled up on the couch with his hot ex-girlfriend. They were watching hockey. “Back then you loved hockey as a sport” said Frank. Over time, Gary became more interested in money and drove her away.
Suddenly Gary was back in bed. It must have been a dream, but the bruise on his face suggested otherwise. At 1 o’clock sharp, another voice was heard. Gary woke up. It was Gordie Howe. “Come with me” Gordie said. “No” Gary said. Suddenly he was on his back and at the house of Jim Bo. Jim was up late with a tiny sick boy in his arms. “That is Jim’s son Small Sid. He is a huge Sens fan. However, he is very sick with cancer. If there is a lockout, he might never be able to watch another game again” said Gordie. “Wow” Gary said.
Gary also was back in his bed again. At 2 o’clock sharp came in the ghost of hockey future. It was legendary hockey enforcer Eddie Shore. Suddenly Gary was in a graveyard. Jim Bo and his family with the absence of Small Sid were crying over a gravestone. Gary went up to it. Knowing he wouldn’t be seen by anyone he saw the Grave description
Small Sid Bo
June 10 2014- October 10 2017
Then Gary turned around and saw a fresh grave being dug. He saw it next to a grave that said
November 1, 1917- October 9, 2017
“Whose grave is that”? Gary asked pointing at the one being dug. “Why it is yours Gary” Semenko said and pushed Gary into the grave.
Gary burst wide awake. It was 7:00. Gary couldn’t do another lockout. The first thing he did was negotiate a long term extension for the CBA. Then he raced over to Jim Bo’s house carrying a present. He rung the doorbell. “I have some special presents for you and your family” Gary told Jim. The present for Jim and his whole family except Small Sid were Senators jerseys. “And for you Small Sid, I got you your own jersey, a hockey stick signed by the entire Senators organization, Sens tickets and money for cancer treatment” Gary said happily. “God bless you” Jim told Gary. “God bless us all” Sid said. And they all lived happily ever after.